Why inclusivity is so important to me

 This is my client Amber and I on her retreat in June of this year. While most of my work is done online with clients, I basically require an in person retreat if someone is going to work with me long-term, so that we can hug and live together for a few days, cook together and get to know each other in the flesh. I love these experiences.

This is my client Amber and I on her retreat in June of this year. While most of my work is done online with clients, I basically require an in person retreat if someone is going to work with me long-term, so that we can hug and live together for a few days, cook together and get to know each other in the flesh. I love these experiences.

I think there is something deeply wrong with the world since the industrialized revolution.

Not that I was alive to comment on the world before the industrialized revolution, but by gathering information on how the world worked, I think liked it better back then and it’s no wonder people were less sick with things like depression. Obviously, I am glad we have things like the internet now because that’s how I work while having #chronicillnesslimitations.

BUT!! And this is a big BUT.

We are using social media to connect with each other in greater ways than we ever could before, but there is so little in person contact and support.

Not having in person community is not good for our health. Point blank. Just google, “the health impacts of loneliness”. There is even a study done on a group of Italians that ate TERRIBLY (meat, dairy, bread, alcohol on repeat) who were out-living everyone in the surrounding areas. This didn’t make any sense in terms, but after studying the group, the conclusion of the experiment was that because they had such solid companionship between them, they lived long healthy lives, despite things like their food choices that were more poor than healthy. Read more about it here.

Historically, when a member of a tribe was weak, the entire tribal community would get together and help the weakened one get strong again. This is because if everyone was operating at their highest potential, it best served the community because everyone could do their tasks with full resources.

Now, we are encouraged to be there for # 1, which would be ourselves. To put ourselves first at all times, and that no one else can give us what we seek. Etc. We are expected to find fulfillment for ourselves and by ourselves.

We are expected to cook alone, sleep alone, drive alone, work alone, mostly everything is done alone. And if you don’t like this, you’re codependent and unable to make yourself happy.

Biologically, this is untrue and I personally think it’s nearly impossible when you are fully embodied to not need connection with other mammals to be happy.

Whether that is a dog or a human being.

I often feel like a lone wolf because I so badly crave touch and physical contact. Not all the time, like I loved when I was living with my ex, and when he would go to work all day and I got to be home all day working doing my own thing. And I loved that my roommates left for the day and I got to do whatever the eff I wanted until night fall.

But being alone day in and day out is really hard for me. It’s torture to my flesh, and it’s not something a hug from a family member or a friend every couple of days fixes for me.

I hate not living in community or in partnership. I don’t enjoy being single, but I also don’t enjoy being in abusive relationships just to have some of those in person needs met. So… I am single and alone for now. And it’s hard.

Being on my lonesome so much, although it’s safe and I know what to expect, makes me depressed. Lately, I’ve been feeling very hurt because I lost some of the biggest connections I had in my life. I lost some really close friends to disagreements that are inconsolable and my partnership of 3+ years.

A big part of why I was so excited to move to California was that I was going to have a built in person for the rest of my life to share life with. (Or at least until one of us died, that was the plan!)

The biggest question I carry around about the world is why everyone isn’t so interested in connection like I am, and I’ve learnt that this could be because of different personality types like Myers Briggs explains.

I am such an inclusive person. I want to invite everyone I love and all make dinner together every night if I could.

I want to co-sleep with people. I want to hold hands as we watch TV and spend hours snuggling and talking about life.

I like togetherness and I like belonging. I seek it out. I don’t get it when people want to be exclusive and leave others out. I genuinely think and feel, “the more the merrier”.

This kind of community feeling is SO important to me, because I feel like without it, I am not completely well.

I don’t think any of us really are if we are fully embodied with our mammal needs.

We need each other.

Listen, I’m not saying I want to be with EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. I have sensory processing disorder - I prefer quiet regulated human beings.

Sure, a person can enjoy more alone time than others. I actually consider myself one of them, but what I am also realizing about myself is that I don’t want to live in these times, where checking in on a friend can be chalked up to a ‘how are you’ text where you only have 10 minutes to fully hold space. Where your ‘closest’ people don’t see your new place until you’ve been living there for six months.

I’m just not interested in that and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m also not interested in a boundary-less world where people use each other to fill our voids we aren’t addressing.

What I am saying is this: I believe we need to learn how to plant our own gardens, and I think community gardens are better.

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RelationshipsEmily Aube