What my fear about being pregnant is about

One of my biggest fears is getting pregnant when I don’t want to be.

I really don’t want to live an abortion. And this isn’t for religious or moral reasons. I think that it’s better to not have a child if you’re not capable of giving he/she a healthy life with certainty.

I have accompanied close friends to abortions and cared for them afterward when they had no one else. So I don’t say that I really don’t want to live an abortion from a judgement standpoint. I am completely and inherently pro-choice. To me, it’s crazy that places like the United States of America have this up as a debate still.

There is no one but a woman herself who knows if she is fully capable of being a mother when she finds she is pregnant. And we should believe her. Because we are not her and we do not know. And we cannot do her job for her, so she must determine if she is qualified or not.

I myself, would 100 % get an abortion should I get pregnant without being totally ready to have a child with the state of my nervous system regulation. I just really don’t want to live that trauma. It’s kind of like… I’ve lived enough, I’m not sure I could handle that coupled with my history.

Here’s the deal…

I am NOT under any circumstances having a child and passing on the intergenerational trauma I didn’t heal.

There is no reason any of us should be having any kids if we are not healing the trauma we’ve had passed down to us. Because if we do have offspring, and we haven’t healed, we will continue these patterns we have going that lack emotional and somatic intelligence, and we are going to straight up destroy the earth.

That may be dramatic, but think about it… it’s not necessarily wrong to state.

I am not doing that to a human being. It stops with me.

Yes, that is a lot of pressure to put on myself and yes I do want kids. But I don’t want to fuck up my kid.

That means, I would not let a child be born from me and raise said child, until I trust myself to be regulated enough to be able to not pass on what my mother and father passed on to me carelessly.

Yes, this is about how much my parent’s divorce hurt me. I don’t want to do that to a child myself. I know the pain intimately and have seen the consequences of it in my daily life.

And I’m super conscious that maybe I will have kids after I am married to someone, and maybe my marriage will end up in divorce and I’d have to live with that and do my best if the circumstances pushed me to this point.

I understand why my parents got divorced, and why they couldn’t stay together. And to be honest, from my lense, it’s largely because they didn’t heal their intergenerational trauma before getting married, and then when being married together they didn’t heal in relationship.

So while I know I could never control and predict another human’s behavior… if I can avoid getting married and getting divorced… then yeah, I want to. More than anything. So I’m going to do my work so that I can be available for a partner who can truly be in this with me.

Now I also know that…

No matter what I do, and how perfectly I do it, my future kids, they will be flawed incredible 3D characters like we all are. I know I will make mistakes. Even if my partner and I have the most wonderful relationship and can model properly in a way that encourages full holistic wellness.

But here’s the thing, kids make up their nervous system (the social engagement part of their parasympathetic) based on yours - their main care giver.

Yep, for a few years after a child is born, their autonomic nervous system isn’t fully developed and they will construct and finalize it based on the one their parents have.

So, this is why, we can indeed, biologically, blame our parents for all our shortcomings says my S.E mentor Irene Lyon. Or blame whomever is raising us. This is why adopted kids will have their adoptive parents intergenerational trauma inherited.

That is not something to take lightly. This means, if I am going to be modeling someone else’s nervous system, I want mine to be in good shape.

Before, I had the knowledge about the NS like I do now, I was still terrified of being pregnant when I didn’t want to.

I’ve taken plan B when I didn’t even have sex because I was scared that sperm somehow GOT into me through sheets, towels, fingers, etc.

I’ve also taken plan B when I did have sex and I was on antibiotics that stopped my pill from working, so that was more reasonable.

But… yeah, my friends used to call me the plan B queen and came to me with all their unwanted pregnancies woes. Thankfully I haven’t taken plan B in a few years because it wrecks your endocrine system, but I have also practiced conscious abstinence for many of those years.

Now that I’m at the part of my life where you say “OMG CONGRATULATIONS!” to someone when they are pregnant instead of “OH FUCK.” I thought that my fear would have dissolved.

But it hasn’t.

I take being a woman and a potential mother one day really seriously.

And I don’t want to be reckless with my privilege to make life. So I’m not going to be.

I’m going to wait. And do my work. Until I know it’s time.

Food + MovementEmily Aube