Crystal sex toys (to help reclaim bodily consent)
I’m not going to beat around the bush with this one. When I was 18- almost 19- I was raped by someone I knew. Through that, I unfortunately contracted an STI.
The recovery was long. Physically yes, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
When I got raped, I had been on pharmaceuticals to treat anxiety for 6 years. The following 4 years were plagued with higher doses and heavier drugs like seroquel to keep me functioning.
Eventually, I went to therapy + somatic experiencing to heal from the trauma I endured.
Of course, many things came up for me when I embarked on this tender healing journey. Not only did I learn how to feel safer in my body as a woman and in the world again through bodily strength, I also realized many things about my sexuality that were affecting me in ways I hadn’t previously been aware of. So I got to heal a lot of the stuff that was present for me, even before I got raped.
One of those things was that when I was little, I got caught masturbating and told to stop doing that. I realized that this was way more common than I personally thought. But, because of this, I internalized pleasure and orgasm as something that was going to get me into trouble. Therefore, feeling dirty and ashamed each time I enjoyed my sexuality.
I started relating to sex, especially heterosexual sex, as something that I just had to do because that’s what everyone was doing. This lead me very far away from a connection with my body, thus, never really understanding how to properly consent, by checking in WITH my body. I straight up never asked myself if I was enjoying something or not, nor dared to ask to experience what I was curious by, because if I did, I felt extremely guilty and like I was about to be punished. And not in the sexy safe way.
So this… believe it or not… brings me to CRYSTAL sex toys. From Chakrarubs specifically. After trauma, there is so many layers to be seen, heard, held with a new nurturing presence, and consequently worked through.
Having some sex toys to help you regain consent to your body and your vagina, and to understand what a YES or NO actually feels like physiologically was revolutionary for me. Understanding that your vagina can consent if it wants to have something inside her or not and seeing how the green light vs the red light feels was so cool. Point being, I always ask my vagina if she wants to be penetrated or not now, instead of asking my brain or basing my decisions off my complex emotions in sexual situations. Most times, as I’ve healed, my vagina did not want anything inside of her and had big fucking conditions when it came to a YES. I listened, made sure those were met, and when they were, she felt safe enough to exhale and enjoy. It’s so cool!!
It may not be the entirety of your healing plan, but it was an essential tool in mine.
So, I wanted to share.
Here's my favorite one To heal trauma.
There is something about these type of tools that feel sacred. They’re not just dildos.
I recommend two sexuality coaches that I know and trust - one being Michelle Christine from sacred rose and the other being Amber Leitz. I also love the work of Rachel Maddox to heal from sexual trauma, her book was especially helpful for me.
I am also very keen on having open discussion about women's sexuality with my clients and in my coaching calls, if you need a safe place to start that feels familiar.
Listen, this is a complicated topic. We all have a sexuality. Sometimes I am in my car at a red light and I think to myself 'damn all of us get horny' and it's so complex to manage it appropriately.
I'm by no means a sexuality expert, but I am one woman who has a sexuality that hasn't always been easy to face without judgment and hold with love.
The last thing I can say about this topic that feels helpful right now is that even if you think you are the only one who has ever struggled with her sexuality, you aren’t. We just don't talk about this stuff a lot openly as women. We can change that together. So let’s.