PERSONAL POST: Saying goodbye to my first house
In the early days of August, I got up at 5 am after 4 short hours of sleep to leave (like legit move) to Los Angeles to be with my long-term boyfriend.
I lived with my best guy friend at the time. And while our relationship had been incredibly complex, with both of us having feelings for each other, but not usually at the same time, we had a really good time that summer living together. As legit JUST friends. He needed a place to stay and I had a lot of rooms to myself, so it worked out.
I grew to love hanging out with him every night, winding down and sharing about our days, making food with friends, encouraging him to hit on all the cute girls, talking about how we’d raise our respective families one day while dishing out our opinions on things like social and economics structures, and joking with each other. One time, he made me eat a kiwi peel because he said that was how the fruit was supposed to be eaten via new Zealand wisdom. I’m still not 100 % sure what is true, but my gut says, NO IT ISN’T! The kiwi skin is so fuzzy. Anyway, all this to say: we had a fun time living in community together.
The night before I left, he invited all of my closest friends to my house, along with my dad and step-mom, to have dinner that he made for everyone. I wasn’t in on it and it was the best. The “bestest” part however, was the fact that he passed everyone a notebook and got all of them to write an entry wishing me the best of luck. He handed it to me when everyone had left. It was SUCH a special moment, because…
I was so stressed out about moving, trying to get everything organized into the right places, that I hadn’t noticed that everyone was taking a ‘bathroom’ break to go write in this journal.
He had nailed all my love languages in one evening, and I was extremely thankful for him and for our relationship. It was the best going away gift ever for me. It’s hard to pull off a surprise around my curious ass.
He got up at the same time as I did that morning, helped me pack my backpack with food, watched my panic attack about not knowing where my passport was with my father in tow, and then we hugged for so long, saying goodbye as he stayed back at my front door.
It was weird and beautiful all at the same time. I trusted him to take good care of the place until the lease was over.
My dad, who was driving me and all my immediate belongings to the airport that morning, looked over to me when we were leaving my townhouse complex, and said, “So, are you scared?”
And I said, “About what?”
We laughed. It was barely 6 am.
As time went on, and I landed in LA and began my new life there with my man, I had issues with my landlord back home. He was not happy I let someone else stay back when I had already left. There were a few weeks left to my lease - so this was considered a sublet that wasn’t approved of. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong as I was unaware this wasn’t cool. I never asked, so this was a major lesson for me to be more upfront with my planning and my communication, instead of just assuming that another person would feel the same as I do. I thought, hey, I did pay all of my rent, and kept the house in beautiful shape all throughout my lease, so I can basically do what I want as long as that’s done right? Wrong. And this created conflict in my life - which bled onto my relationship with my friend.
The landlord would report to me a dirty dwelling and eventually I had to ask my friend to leave before the lease was over, all from a distance. I felt super disrespected, because I had let him into my home and given him a place to stay for relatively cheap, and I was still owed money and now my landlord was furious due to the state of the cleanliness and the fact that I did something wrong via our contract. I understood where the LL was coming from and I felt really terrible that he felt like I was disrespecting him. This wasn’t my intention and if I had known that this would create drama, I wouldn’t of done it - obviously. I was simply wanting to help out a person I loved. It was beyond frustrating, one because I didn’t want to ruin my relationship with my good friend as I wasn’t sure how much my LL at the time was being unreasonably picky since I couldn't see the condition of things with my own eyes, and two, because it was clear that making me content or my LL content, was not in my friend’s set of priorities. We definitely drifted apart during this time, and the tension overtook our relationship.
I couldn’t do anything from so far away and had to have my dad speak on behalf of me and make sure everything was being taken care of. I hated that this was happening. AND this left me having a really sour experience of letting go of my home.
Overall, leaving and moving to be with my ex-beau felt like a very disconnected experience for me. I just wanted to get there, so I completely gapped on so many things to do to properly, energetically, to end and start a new chapter. For example, I didn’t have a ceremony blessing each room for what it gave me, and I never spent time hoping it brings as much peace, nurturing and healing to the next person who would get to live in it. And then because there was drama for a few weeks surrounding the home, it was unpleasant to feel how angry I was at my friend who I expected to have my back. But what matters is that, in the end, no one was hurt nor was anything damaged.
So, with that being said, in the past 2 months since being back in my hometown (where my old house is located), I decided to forgo focusing on the ending of the situation after I had gone, because truthfully, when my dad’s car pulled out of my driveway that morning, it was in that moment, when I looked up to the house in the dark, that I knew this wasn’t my home anymore. All my stuff was in a storage unit or packed into a car. But it didn’t change the fact that I still FELT like it was my house.
Because, I hadn’t said *bye* to the structure of the home, honored it or thanked it for what it did for me, or cleared my energy from the home to prepare it for the next occupants, I didn’t have closure. In fact, I felt so connected to the place and the land the townhouse complex stays on that when there was a fire in 3 of the different houses there about a month ago, I laid awake in my own NEW condo, and feared there was going to be a fire in my NEW building.
This was a weird fear because I never think about fires or the possibility of them. It passed after a day or so. I didn’t quite understand why this was something I was worried about, so I just rode the wave of it. A few days later, as I was driving by my old place, I saw there had been major fire damage. I then googled to see if there was info about it. Sure enough, there had been a fire that got started the exact same day I worried about one where I was.
I was clearly still energetically connected to the place/land. My friend Desiree gave me the book Energy Strands by Denise Linn, and as I read it, I understood what was going on. Although I had left my house, and knew logically, it wasn’t mine anymore, I didn’t really cut my cords to it. Thus, I still had an immediate bond to it.
So, I thanked my house and did a cord cutting ritual myself in the bath the other evening. Yes, this sounds kind of woo-woo, but it’s really helped me ACCEPT the situation. It’s also helped me feel like I can move forward, and I forgave myself for how quickly I made the move, and didn’t truly sit and analyze all the components of it, including checking in with my LL about my BFF staying after I had gone.
I closed my eyes and saw myself in each room, thanking them for what the offered me. What the structure of the home gave me.
I began upstairs, where I had three rooms. My bedroom, my office and my writing room, as well as my bathroom - where the aloe plants THRIVED.
First, I thanked my bedroom for the sleep and rest I gained that healed me. Thank you thank you thank for all the nights I slept 10 hours and felt like a new, better human, inside this room, house.
I thanked my office for being a space where my business grew and stabilized in greater ways than ever before. I said, ‘thank you for smelling of essential oils and sage’. And for being so warm because of the way the heating hit me when I sat in my chair at my desk.
Also, thank you a million times to my WRITING room, where I wrote a lot of these posts on this website. Content that brings value to people and connects me to people, so that my business can work forevermore. Also, how legit are these angel wings? Those came with me, for the next time they will be useful. :)
My bathroom. Thanked it deeply. Obviously for all the baths.
Then, in my mind’s eyes, I went to the main floor, and I thanked my kitchen for all the healing meals I could make in all the SPACE I had in here, and for all the gatherings IRL that I hosted where my friends came and ate plant-based goodness. For all the delicious meals pics, please see my medical medium lifestyle post . It’s worth it for your mind taste buds.
Thank you to the dining room area, for I mean… being so gorgeous and homey and perfect for me to eat at, but also, for providing me support as I wrote for clients on all those late nights. I loved sitting here while creating content - I felt like a mastermind.
I also thanked the succulent wall because it was EPIC. All those plant babies got re-homed well. Promise.
I thanked my living room, especially for the time I accidentally got high on an edible oil that was THC based, and watched Seth rogan movies for an entire day.
Then, I continued my way down the flight of stairs bringing me to the entrance. I continued into the hallway that brought me into the guest suite of the house - where my friend was living and where my dear friend Sharon stayed with me when I first moved in for a few months. Truth be told, I was going through a tough time, freshly new to life without benzo. She didn’t need to, but she did, and living together will always be some of my favorite memories of my life. I saw us laying in her bed at 1 am, laughing our asses off.
Then, I checked the garage - my Christmas tree was finally removed. THANKS DAD!
I saw all the decor through a final walk through of the house, and then I took it all down in my mind, replaying when I had packed all my boxes and moved them into storage and into my car, and eventually, as I stood there energetically, I smiled and made my way out to the front door, with nothing left in the house. And then, I stood back, looked up to my townhouse, my very first home that I made my own, and I said goodbye. Knowing there will be so many more homes that I will make my own, but that this one would always be special, because it was the first one. I kissed my hand and doubled tapped the front door as I walked away down the street.
And then, I came back to my body, in the tub, 20 minutes from where that house is, and smiled. I did the rituals the book suggested to release attachment to things/ people and places that aren’t meant to be attached with you anymore.
A few days later, I was driving by again, and a rainbow appeared from where the houses stand. Whether that was the result of a rain storm and sunlight playing together, or God talking directly at me, I felt peace in my body for the first time since I left that morning.
I hope the new occupants love it just as much as I did and it brings them what they are looking for, like it did for me. It’s their house now.