My written down thoughts from today

I am obsessing over buying a new bed today. Well, I have been for about a week. 

Except I furnished my town home before christmas and it cost me nearly 9 thousand dollars when it was all said and done, and I told myself to lay off the big purchases for now. I technically could, but it would be a bit tight and maybe worry me if I dropped more money right now. 

But, I want the new bed.

I really want it.

The bed I have is my mom's old king size bed. She got it when she divorced my father over 10 years ago. I wonder who has had sex in this bed other than me. It grosses me out yet I've thought about it so many times. Since it's so big and comfy, I attempt to ignore it. I made my mom switch beds with me about 3 years ago after my bed reminded me of the man who abused me too much. She obliged and took my double like a devout mother does. The foundation is old though, it sinks into itself. The mattress itself has huge period stains that belong to my mother. I am never ashamed of them, but I can tell other people feel it's unnatural when they see it bare without sheets. 

Some people sleep in mud in different places in the world, and here I am giving a shit about if I should buy the king size or the queen size. Or if I should at all. I'm torn between who cares man and your space is sacred after trauma and just... in general. 

Sleep for me is important this year. It's the year I reclaim sleep. I want my bedroom to be my haven. 

I just went to buy organic ketchup and grapefruit juice because I want to eat veggie bites for dinner later. It's a bit of cheat meal before I start the medical medium cleanse on Monday for 28 days. I'm excited about that. I am going to get my period in 6 days. My breasts hurt and my skin is breaking out, and I can feel a deep hunger in my pelvis. 

I only have an hour until a client call. I'm tired, but I am looking forward to talking to her.

I wonder if I am still in love with my ex boyfriend these past few days, or if I just haven't gotten used to life without him. 

I've had PTSD bouts all week. I am so tired. Wait, I already said that, but now I added the 'so' for emphasis. My eyes are a bit puffy and they hurt. But I'm that good kind of tired, where you aren't anxious and you are just excited to sleep.

I very much like the thought of new love and I am scared it never works out just as much. 

So should I get the bed? 

I don't know. I want to have the bed. But then what if I don't make more money when I spend it? 

I know, I know. That dialogue is something I know how to tame as a 4-year running entrepreneur. I mean, that's the only reason I am not scared shitless every day is because I know how to tame that dialogue. 

I say, relax babe, you will make more money. You always do. Make space to create, and then sell. Most of all, perform well. That's how you get people coming back and speaking about you. You know how. You got this, babe. 

I call myself babe a lot. It helps. 

I miss my mother. I wish she would live down the street. Instead, she is on an island in the middle of the pacific ocean engaged to a man I have never met, but who is sweet and feels my pain. I am falling in love with my father - the thought of him makes me happy. I never thought I would. I am ecstatic that my heart has place for him and my brain adores dancing around with him up there. 

I know I run away from feeling pain and I've used codependency to fill that void. 

And I'm not the only one, but I just do it in my own way, just like everyone does it until they don't anymore. 

I've now graduated to the part in my life where I don't anymore. At least, I am trying not to. 

It's extremely difficult to heal yourself from the inside out and not the outside in. 

Growing up is hard. But you can't avoid this shit. It'll keep coming back. Whether you do it now or in fifteen years or in twenty-five. It'll never go away until you do the work to feel whole from the inside out... until you take responsibility for your own life, even if everyone fucked it up before you could be in charge. 

Ok, back to the bed question. What do you think? King or queen?

Emily Aube